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phantoms teach barbarians what is best in life

November 29, 2011 in Games

What is best in life? A shutout, my friends, a shutout.

The Phantoms, backstopped by AJ “No Soup For You” Brandt, won their second game of the season 3-0 over the Barbarians.

After a scoreless first period, Mike “Jersey? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Jersey” Orzoff sped into the Barbarians zone and looped down low underneath the right circle. Drawing the defenders, Orzoff fed a beauty of a pass to Craig “Who Put the Tackle Me Sign on My Back?” Sonnenschein, who showed incredible patience with the puck, turning the goalie inside out before depositing the puck in the back of the net.

The next tally didn’t come until the third period, when defensive pair, Bill “Call of Duty” Heyse and Scott “Motormouth” Battle moved the puck out of the Phantoms zone and up to speedy center,  Ross “Water Boy” Gerbasi. Gerbasi broke in and doubled the lead. Sadly, Gerbasi waited until the third period to score, thus negating the evening’s free tostada offer and upsetting the spillover crowd from the preceding Hornets game.

Steve “Shoulder Pads” Stuart placated the near riot, however, a few minutes later. Attempting to set a new team record, Stuart scored a power play goal during a goalmouth scramble. Gerbasi assisted on the play, with a secondary assist potentially going to Frank “Seriously, I Was There” Archambault once we hear back from the war room in Toronto.

The entire Phantoms squad really pulled together for the win, with plenty of offensive pressure, smart defensive play, and about 80* poke checks courtesy of Jiri “Stretch Armstrong” Nosek, who was often jumping up into the offensive rush.

The Phantoms will be taking on the Tigers this coming Sunday in their quest to get back above .500 for the season. Tickets are still available.

 

*Approximate total due to this writer’s incredible math skills.

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A Win’s A Win

November 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

The Phantoms picked up their first win of the season in an odd fashion. As it turns out, their opponent, the Scorpions, opted not to show up for the game, thus forfeiting the match. With no one to play, but ice to be skated on, the Phantoms went ahead and had a team scrimmage to “celebrate” the victory.

The Phantoms have the holiday week off, before taking on the Barbarians on Sunday, November 27.

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Well, that one was for the birds.

November 14, 2011 in Uncategorized

The Phantoms fell in their second outing, 7-3 to the Bluejays. While the team chemistry is starting to congeal a bit (in a good way), it didn’t help that star netminder, AJ “Advil” Brandt played hurt.

Nursing an injury going into the match, Brandt re-aggravated it, and his legion of fans, somewhere during the second period. After that, he valiantly tried to play through the pain – all the while cursing the absence of the Phantoms trainer.

On the plus side, new Phantom, Frank “8 Mile” Archambault made his presence known with two goals and some stellar play. The other Phantoms goal came courtesy of new addition, Mike “Take Your Hat” Orzoff, who scored his first goal as a Phantom. Phantoms captain, and motivational speaker, Greg “I’m Sick Of Hearing How Great the Soviets Are” Rolnick claimed credit for Orzoff’s goal, or at least the method behind it. Rolnick admonished Orzoff to “shoot the *&^%$# puck” during the second intermission, and lo and behold, the brilliant strategy paid off.

The true star of the night, however, was Bo “Howitzer” Coonce, who evened his shot total from the previous season by the 13 minute mark of the first period. Although he didn’t score, Coonce had chance after chance. To his credit, he did pick up an assist on Archambault’s second goal of the evening.

Another Phantom made his debut during the match. Steve “Lucky 7″ Stuart stepped up and played solidly on both offense and defense, and may even get called on to backup Brandt in goal for the next game.

Finally, after a lengthy contract dispute, Mike “$%^& Hits the” Fansler returned to the Phantoms lineup. Fansler declined to comment for this article, but his representatives assure that he’s ready to play here and not in Minsk. So that’s a plus.

Up next: The Scorpions. And not the cool German hair metal band.

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